Chapter 5

I stared at the moon shining brightly in its full glory with the occasional errant cloud passing along and marring its beauty. My vision blurred with every passing second even as I blinked away the moisture which still once in a while escaped the confines of my eyes… As I sniffed back the sobs trying to contain them in, I looked around the sheet of darkness spread across the campus with occasional illumination provided by the streetlights. The library building stairs were hard where I sat and the warm night breeze wasn’t helping much as the drops of the delinquent sweat trickled down my back. Anand sat on the step below staring into oblivion since the last fifteen minutes or so that we had reached here.

I knew he wouldn’t utter a word and decided to break the ice. “…What was all that about Anand…?” the feeling of being betrayed by my best friend laid heavily on my heart as I fought back tears.

Anand sighed and moved in a slanting manner as he looked at me for a moment before looking away again. “…Raj… is a great guy Soumya…”

“…As if I care… what on earth did you think you were doing…?” I was trying my best to contain my vocal intensity which was already accentuated by the solitude around.

“…I have… I have known Raj since high school… he belongs to this family of doctors and…”

“…CUT THE CRAP… Anand…” I finally said it aloud exasperation getting the better of me. My tears chose the exact moment to flout my orders and streamed down my cheeks and this time I didn’t bother to swipe them away.

Anand saw me right then… talk of timing… He looked into my eyes and rubbed his face. “…Fuck…” He said in a breathy voice and looked up at me again. “…Stop crying for God’s sake Soumya…What was so wrong…? I just helped two great people come together…Not that I forced anyone…”

“…Why Anand… why…? Did I look desperate for a companion…?” I wailed brushing my angry tears away.

“…Soumya… you will be back home… where there will be a lot of pressure on… getting you married…I thought… if Raj and you clicked…”

“…Oh God…Anand… can you hear yourself…? You know my background and my folks… they are greatly awaiting my return to tie me down to the man they have… chosen for me… I have struggled… all these years to break free of the shackles… why…? Only to have you tie me down with a new one here…? No Anand no…I have enough people to think for me and don’t need my only friend to join the party…”

“…Raj is way better than that asshole your family has selected for you…”

WHAT…? How did he know…?

“…Anand what the fuck are you talking about…?” I didn’t mind my language at all… I wasn’t in my senses anyway. “…How on earth do you know who he is…? Even I don’t have an idea…”

Anand sighed yet again. He looked at me with a strange expression… Never in the four years that I have known him did I ever see that on his handsome face. “…Soumya…? Do you know my name…? My full name…?”

What was he asking out of the blue? “…Um… you write your name as S. Anand P H…” I just realized I had never bothered to ask him the full form of his initials. “…By the way… what do they stand for…?”

“…Its… Shimoga Anand Padmanabha Hebbal…” He said looking unblinking into my eyes.

For a moment I was lost but then realization dawned and my eyes widened. “…You belong to…”

“…Yes… the Hebbal family in Thirukoshtiyur… My grandfather is still living… I was there till I the age of twelve after which I moved… Currently my cousins are there for the vacations and… I found out information… the guy approved by your folks is apparently public knowledge… I did a background check… turns out he was involved in forgery in the company he worked and tying the knot with you is a way to clean up his image… his father wants to get into politics next year… what better than getting support from your grandfather…?”

My heart sank further. Though I wasn’t in agreement with my parents about settling the knot, hearing my apprehensions being spoken out aloud hurt. I bent my knees closer to my body and hugged them tightly as if the gesture would drive away everything. What had Lord Vishnu thought for me… if that was what He wanted, then why did he let me come so far…? Was this actually the end of the road for me?

“…Soumya… listen to me please…” Anand pleaded. “…Please talk to Raj… mend up your relationship with him… I will talk to him…”

“…Stop it already Anand… I don’t want to fall from the frying pan into the fire… and there was nothing between Raj and I… I don’t have any feelings for him…”

“…Soumya… don’t do that…don’t ruin your life…” Anand spoke softly, an earnest look passing his features.

“…Why Anand…? Just tell me the truth…”

“…What do you want to know Soumya…?”

“…Why…? Why do you want me to be with Raj…?”

“…because he is a wonderful guy…In fact if you don’t like him then I shall find you another one… someone who can take good care of you…”

“…WHY Anand…?” didn’t the idiot understand my question at all?

Anand gave me a puzzled look and stood up. I followed him and from my higher step I could look into his eyes. “…GIVE ME THE FUCKING ANSWER… WHY…?” I clenched my jaw as I spoke.

“…What is it you want to know, Soumya…?”

“…Why do you want to find… a man… for me…?” I was losing steam now.

“…Because, I want to see you settle with someone… who deserves you…”

“…Why Anand…” I held the lapels of his jacket this time letting my tears flow unhindered.

“…Soumya… please… listen to me…” He rubbed his face. He looked so distraught my heart went out to him despite everything that had transpired.

I shook his jacket. “… why… why… why… fucking…why…?”

“…BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, damn it…” he held my hands and tightened the grip and released it with lightning speed, as we stared at each other panting away to glory. My heart surged with happiness… finally he told me exactly what I had wanted to hear from him…for ages.

“…Oh goodness… Anand… was it so difficult to tell me… I have feelings for you as well…But you already know it, don’t you…?”

“…Stop it Soumya… you shouldn’t like me… at all…” He rubbed his face yet again making me wonder if he wanted to erase his facial features. He started to get down the stairs… what the hell…

“…Anand wait…” I rushed down to him and held his hand even as he tried to pull away. “…will you explain…? Please…?”

“…there is nothing to talk about Soumya… WE…” he indicated waving his hand between us. “…can never happen…?”

“…I need an explanation Anand… I have been in love with you… for a long time now… don’t I get to know the reason…of being rejected…?” My heart was shattering into pieces, my euphoric bubble long gone kaput.

“…Soumya… don’t make things further difficult for me…I will be visiting Thirukoshtiyur as well and don’t worry…I will help you escape again…or whatever you decide…”

“…Anand, I don’t want anything else… I don’t know what future holds for me… but the very fact that I ever met you and fell in love with you… here… this is the ultimate truth… so even if you are not interested in… taking this further… that’s fine… I … I can handle that as well… but don’t you dare… try setting me up with someone else…I can fight the world… but I can’t fight you…”

“…Soumya…don’t…”

I held up my hand to stop him before I broke down totally. “…Anand…just answer me one last time…do you… really love me…?”

Anand rolled his eyes and looked away. He stood with his hands on his hips and staring at the ground. He sighed and looked up into my eyes and I saw a sheen of moisture shining in those beautiful orbs. “…Soumya… I fell in love with you the very first time I saw you in that gown on your freshers party day… and that unruly messed up curls flying all over the place…” I couldn’t believe my ears as he continued. “…it’s been sheer torture for me… to stay as friends…but also the best time I ever had…and… I kept away after I finished graduation but… it was futile… I couldn’t stay away from you…” He ran a trembling hand through his hair… that was something I had always wanted to do. “…It’s all mess Soumya… I tried everything under the sky to keep away…”

“…Why Anand…” I spoke softly on the verge of giving up but this was my last chance

“…You don’t deserve someone like me…Soumya…” His voice cracked and I saw his throat bobbing up and down as if he were struggling to contain his emotions.

I held his hand but he jerked it away. “…No Soumya… no… lets end this here… I promise I will never see you again…”

“…Don’t decide for me Anand…I have enough people to do that…Just tell me why not…?

“…Forget it Soumya… go to the hostel… its late…”

“…You are right for once Anand… it is late… very late… but at least I know about your feelings now… just tell me the reason you don’t want to be with me… I promise never to trouble you ever again…”

“…Soumya… please go…”

“…is it my family background…? Are you ashamed of them…?”

“…No…Soumya…”

I was clinging to every thread I could find. “…Is it my plain looks…? Am I not…I mean… am I not even an average looker…?”

“…God no… Soumya…” he held me by my shoulders. “…The problem is me… the fault is me… I am flawed Soumya… you can’t… be with me…”

I held his elbows locking the position. “…Please Anand… this is killing me… tell me the fucking… reason…” I was losing my sanity

He let his hands fall and sat back on the stairs holding his head in his hands. I touched his shoulder and sat besides him. He turned towards me still avoiding eye contact. “…Sou…Soumya… when I was 12 years old… I got diagnosed with Testicular cancer… stage II … I got operated to save my life… but it left permanent damage…” He then looked up at me as tears started to flow down his cheeks and he wiped them away. Was it what I thought it was…? My heart was running a marathon. He must have judged by my looks and continued.

“…You are right Soumya… its exactly what you think… I had to undergo orchiectomy (removal of one or both testes) … and barely a part of one of them remains… so…” he stood and looked down at the ground yet again and spoke as his voice cracked. “…I cannot have children ever… and even the possibility of… physically satisfying a woman is… rare… so I am what we medically refer to… a Eunuch…”

 He swiftly walked away from there into the darkness, leaving me behind, a mortified mess as I ran to my hostel room and crumbled into a heap of tears.

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(Medical Definition of eunuch: a man or boy deprived of the testes or external genitals.)