Chapter 6 (final chapter)

After an hour of sobbing, I was still lying on the floor in my room staring at the cobwebs gathered under the cot visible through the moonlight streaming in from the blinds. I had not even switched on the fan and I was about to drown in my own sweat. I pulled myself up and walked into the tiny attached bathroom. As I took a cold-water bath fresh tears began their assault as I wondered what Anand must have gone through all these years. Never in these four years had I ever seen him complain or bad mouth anyone. He brought out the goodness in everyone around him irrespective of how they treated him. Being a doctor, I was even more shattered knowing the grim reality of his situation, though the details were still elusive. But nothing changed the way I felt for him… if anything I was now deeper in love with this twister of a personality. No… I wouldn’t let him suffer alone… not after knowing how he felt about me. I had to talk to him…

After spending the next few hours twisting and turning in the heat, I gave up. When dawn arrived announcing its amber presence through my window I freshened and dressed up, covering my head with a stole with a hope to hide my swollen eyelids. I didn’t know where he lived so I texted him. ‘We have to talk Anand… please for one last time… I leave for home today evening… please meet before that…’

He had seen the text immediately which meant he was awake but for a while there was no response. I knew any amount of pestering wouldn’t work with him and I had no option but to wait. I had a cup of coffee in our cafeteria refusing to make eye contact with anyone around, after the fiasco in the party last evening. I didn’t care and I wasn’t in any mood to answer questions. I breezed out of the cafeteria and bumped into my date for last evening. Dr. Raj nodded and looked away sheepishly. I nodded back at him realizing I didn’t hate him anymore… at least he became the catalyst for the showdown with Anand last night. I just walked away. Finally, after an excruciating wait of an hour Anand texted me. ‘Meet me at Meenanagar supermarket in half an hour…’

It was close by and I was there before time wringing my fingers as I waited in anticipation of the unknown. The market place was quiet as I looked around standing in the center quadrangle. Some shops were just opening their shutters and doing their routing cleaning by brooming or watering the area outside their shops before they lined their wares extending outside the shop limits. Just as the time was up, I heard his bike approaching. He halted beside me gestured me to get on pillion and I just went ahead on auto pilot… no questions asked. We rode for about an hour and my back began to ache. Finally, we reached a building Which looked like a hospital but was actually an NGO. The board read, ‘Thirumalar centre for Rehabilitaion of the third gender’.

 I stared at the glow sign board bearing the iconic Subramanium picture beside the name and looked back at Anand who looked at me with his sleep deprived blood shot eyes, as if watching my reaction. He looked back at the building and sighed. “…Soumya… I don’t even know why I brought you here… but since you asked and before you… can come to your… conclusions, you need to know more… beyond medical barriers…”

“…What place is this Anand…?”

 “… This is where I spent three years of my life… this is the place which helped me cope… with what I went through… it made me feel wanted irrespective…of everything…It gave me the belief that I could do anything… So Soumya… I wanted you to see… this…” He gestured at the building.

I held his hand. “…Anand… I thank you for trusting me to… bring me here… but before that I need to hear about everything from the beginning… so will you tell me…? If… it isn’t painful enough…?”

Anand nodded and this time he didn’t jerk away his hand. Instead, he tightened his grip on mine and took me to the corner of the luscious lawn and sat on the farthest bench. As I took in the morning breeze blended with floral scents form the garden and also the mindless chirping of our avian companions, I saw a few men in loose clothing which was their uniform, in different parts of the garden. A couple of them waved to Anand and he waved back at them with a little smile. All this while his hand was intact in mine and I just wanted it to remain like that…

Anand sighed looking at the nearest guy a few meters away who was trimming the hedges. “I was the second born in my household where only my father had stayed behind to manage the estate in Thirukoshtiyur. All his brothers had migrated ages ago and my grandfather’s wish was to breathe his last in the village which brought him a lot of prosperity and given him everything he had desired. He is a staunch follower of Lord Vishnu and is a regular at all the events of the Sowmyanarayana Perumal Temple…. He was on the seventh heaven after my birth realising… that his bloodline in the village would continue… I have two sisters and the younger sister…I believe she is of your age… in fact we all studied in the same school… I remember seeing your brothers…”

“…It was Kirti…right…?”

He nodded and now his line of vision moved to the water sprinkler as he continued. “…My grandfather’s only nemesis was Vishnu Narayan Iyengar… your grandfather…and their views countered and colluded on every single area… be it religion, rituals, politics, decision making… just about anything…. Very often my grandfather had the upper hand given that he was educated and well versed with accounts… even the temple trustees consulted him on financial matters and that was a feather in his cap… But all that changed…overnight…”

His grip on my hand tightened and I could feel his anguish. “…Soumya… I was a sports person… tall for my age… and often participated in athletics representing our school… So, when I observed the non-painful lump around my testicles, as a 11 year old … I didn’t really bother… By the time my condition came to light I was diagnosed with stage II testicular cancer… I was only 12 years old and pubertal… My father took me away to Chennai to the best hospital of those times which handed cancer surgeries related to the gonads… I had to go under the knife… only a part of a single testes remains functional… that… was just the beginning of the long harrowing ordeal…”

Anand hunched his back and I felt his shudders. I let go of my hand and hugged him from the side, my little frame not enough for his tall one. “…Anand if it’s painful…”

“…No Soumya…” he wiped his eyes. “…It’s now or never… I have never told this to anyone… But if you don’t want to…”

“…Of course, not Anand…” I interlocked my fingers in his after linking my arm through his and got as close to him as possible and I felt his relax. “…Anand, I want to know everything… please tell me…”

“…I underwent sessions of chemotherapy and also radiotherapy along with physiotherapy spread over a period of two years… I had to leave school and hence I am older than my batchmates… I underwent reconstructive surgeries over a period of time… I went through rigorous counselling sessions…  and eventually some years ago, had to be given testosterone injections too… because I couldn’t… you know…” He looked away stiffening. I caressed his palm joined to mine encouraging him to continue. We were both doctors… and best friends at that. He didn’t have to shy away from me. He spoke. “…My grandfather was extremely disappointed in my condition after the doctors declared I could never sire a child let alone physically pleasure a woman…He stopped talking to me and felt the procrastinating stares following him in the village though my condition was a well-kept secret. Somehow your grandfather got wind of it… and he began to threaten my grandfather to bow to his whims else… he would reveal about me to the entire village… So, my grandfather did just that… till your older cousin eloped…and the balance tilted once again… But a lot of water had passed under the bridge by then. I was a wreck and took to drugs… My mom passed away and my sisters were packed off to the hostel to complete their studies… for which they still blame me… My father then got me here…” Anand sighed and looked around.

We sat still for a few moments, as I assimilated what I heard so far, my feelings for this man only growing by the minute. He finally spoke. “…Do you know Soumya…in Tamil Nadu itself there are about 30000 eunuchs as of today… some born like that and some like me… medically caused ones…and do you know the miserable life they lead…? I leant all about that during my 3 years stint here. I finished my school studies till 12^th grade right here… My father arranged the tutors and I did the rest… But the biggest lessons I learnt were… the curve balls life threw…. I realized… I couldn’t go back and change anything… but I could start where I was and try to change the ending… and that’s why I decided to become a doctor…My aim in life is to work towards the upliftment of this community which in spite of being given a gender status in 2011, still lives in despondency… so many beg, get into prostitution… and finally die unheard and unsung… Soumya…” He turned towards me. “…I …always wanted to do something for them… because my friends here taught me…to show respect to even people who don’t deserve it… because it’s a reflection of my character and not theirs… and that’s why I like to elicit laughter form people around me… it gives them pleasure at least for those few seconds…” He looked earnestly into my eyes and at moment he was just a little boy who yearned of acceptance.

I smiled blinking back tears. “…Anand…I am so proud to have you as my friend… so proud to have known such a wonderful person and … my love for you has grown notches higher today…”

His eyes filled as he struggled to maintain his composure. “…Sou…Soumya… do you still… in spite of… knowing about me…?”

I nodded. “…Of course, Anand… You are way beyond all this…and I am with you in every step of the way…”

He smiled a weary one and looked down at our clasped hands. “…Do you know Soumya…? My doctors had given up on my… I just couldn’t get it up… never…there was this huge mental block… but that day when you fell and I caught you… the first time I saw you… it stirred… I mean for the first time in my life… I was semi erect and during our first outing together I was full mast… I am sorry about talking in this manner… but it meant a lot… I can’t be a father… my recent reports too reveal a very low sperm count but I can now…get an… erection… and that’s only because of you… for you…” he looked away looking embarrassed. But he kept talking. “…Soumya… you were the only person in this world with whom I could talk about anything under the sky and just be myself… just Anand and not only… a jester…”

I held his cheek making him look back at me. I wasn’t offended one bit… in fact the doctor in me knew what that meant to him. “…. Anand my answer is the same… and the rest we will figure it out as we move on in life… together…” He nodded blinking away tears and I couldn’t help but tell him. “…Anand… if I ever get together with a guy… it has to be you and no one else… I need you… to talk to, to bicker about… to vent out, to guide me… and then to make me laugh whenever the going gets tough… I need just… you…and I promise I would be there for you…always… you are no longer alone…”

“… Soumya… I was never alone in the last four years… with you being there as my friend… they were beautiful moments… that’s why I tried to stay away… but I couldn’t…. I was miserable… even recently… it took all courage in the world to let Raj date you… but I felt… you deserved a complete man…”

“…What is a complete man Anand…?” He looked at me confused as I continued. “…A man is complete not by his physical appearance but by his character, by his thoughts, by his deeds…you were my lifeline Anand, in these four grueling years… still are… It’s my honor to be by your side… like forever…”

He gave me a hug and we sat there for a while oblivious of our surroundings, lost in our thoughts as I bathed in the glory of his warmth in his arms. I would not like to trade this for anyone or anything else. He then took me around the center. The three storied building housed training and counseling facilities for the transgenders from all walks of life and different age groups. It was a massive revelation for me. Some of them were dressed as women like the one I was used to see at traffic signals. But they were the most cordial of the lot and exuded warmth like I had never known. My heart went out to these people who were shunned for their looks and despicable behavior which was nothing but a means for them to survive. Being a transgender by birth or by medical means was not a choice… But still so many of them were disowned by families at birth and left to fend for themselves in the big bad world. All they needed is acceptance and compassion and most of all, dignity to a life.

As I looked at Anand interacting with the staff and the lone doctor in the center my heart swelled with pride. Every second moment I heart laughter and I knew the Jester’s cap actually suited my guy in the true sense of the word. As we left the place, I was a different person with a whole new perspective and I realized I didn’t even worry anymore about what I was to face at home. Anand too had an extra bounce in his steps, his grin that I loved the most had returned and I had renewed energy to fight anything. Anand was accompanying me home today evening and he was to meet my father tomorrow. We both knew what was in store but we had each other’s support and we could conquer the world.

As our bike zoomed along the highway, I knew, we had our work cut out for us… He was to use his inheritance for the welfare of this group of people and many others who suffered in silence. He promised to fund my studies if I wished to pursue MD. As for me I understood what the Goddess had hinted… I was to study endocrinology.

Being a jester wasn’t his weakness at all… it was his greatest strength.

Author note:

Thank you for reading this story and for the lovely words. As you now know, the topic was highlighting the issues faced by the third gender in our country, albeit in a milder way using fiction. Here is an article which shall give you some insight. Do take time and go through if interested.

 http://thingsasian.com/story/eunuchs-indias-third-gender#:~:text=On%20rare%20occasions%20when%20the,as%20one%20of%20their%20own.

Ciao… till we meet next.

Regards,

Priya.

© All rights reserved with the Author and no part of this can be copied or published anywhere without the author’s consent

Chapter 5

I stared at the moon shining brightly in its full glory with the occasional errant cloud passing along and marring its beauty. My vision blurred with every passing second even as I blinked away the moisture which still once in a while escaped the confines of my eyes… As I sniffed back the sobs trying to contain them in, I looked around the sheet of darkness spread across the campus with occasional illumination provided by the streetlights. The library building stairs were hard where I sat and the warm night breeze wasn’t helping much as the drops of the delinquent sweat trickled down my back. Anand sat on the step below staring into oblivion since the last fifteen minutes or so that we had reached here.

I knew he wouldn’t utter a word and decided to break the ice. “…What was all that about Anand…?” the feeling of being betrayed by my best friend laid heavily on my heart as I fought back tears.

Anand sighed and moved in a slanting manner as he looked at me for a moment before looking away again. “…Raj… is a great guy Soumya…”

“…As if I care… what on earth did you think you were doing…?” I was trying my best to contain my vocal intensity which was already accentuated by the solitude around.

“…I have… I have known Raj since high school… he belongs to this family of doctors and…”

“…CUT THE CRAP… Anand…” I finally said it aloud exasperation getting the better of me. My tears chose the exact moment to flout my orders and streamed down my cheeks and this time I didn’t bother to swipe them away.

Anand saw me right then… talk of timing… He looked into my eyes and rubbed his face. “…Fuck…” He said in a breathy voice and looked up at me again. “…Stop crying for God’s sake Soumya…What was so wrong…? I just helped two great people come together…Not that I forced anyone…”

“…Why Anand… why…? Did I look desperate for a companion…?” I wailed brushing my angry tears away.

“…Soumya… you will be back home… where there will be a lot of pressure on… getting you married…I thought… if Raj and you clicked…”

“…Oh God…Anand… can you hear yourself…? You know my background and my folks… they are greatly awaiting my return to tie me down to the man they have… chosen for me… I have struggled… all these years to break free of the shackles… why…? Only to have you tie me down with a new one here…? No Anand no…I have enough people to think for me and don’t need my only friend to join the party…”

“…Raj is way better than that asshole your family has selected for you…”

WHAT…? How did he know…?

“…Anand what the fuck are you talking about…?” I didn’t mind my language at all… I wasn’t in my senses anyway. “…How on earth do you know who he is…? Even I don’t have an idea…”

Anand sighed yet again. He looked at me with a strange expression… Never in the four years that I have known him did I ever see that on his handsome face. “…Soumya…? Do you know my name…? My full name…?”

What was he asking out of the blue? “…Um… you write your name as S. Anand P H…” I just realized I had never bothered to ask him the full form of his initials. “…By the way… what do they stand for…?”

“…Its… Shimoga Anand Padmanabha Hebbal…” He said looking unblinking into my eyes.

For a moment I was lost but then realization dawned and my eyes widened. “…You belong to…”

“…Yes… the Hebbal family in Thirukoshtiyur… My grandfather is still living… I was there till I the age of twelve after which I moved… Currently my cousins are there for the vacations and… I found out information… the guy approved by your folks is apparently public knowledge… I did a background check… turns out he was involved in forgery in the company he worked and tying the knot with you is a way to clean up his image… his father wants to get into politics next year… what better than getting support from your grandfather…?”

My heart sank further. Though I wasn’t in agreement with my parents about settling the knot, hearing my apprehensions being spoken out aloud hurt. I bent my knees closer to my body and hugged them tightly as if the gesture would drive away everything. What had Lord Vishnu thought for me… if that was what He wanted, then why did he let me come so far…? Was this actually the end of the road for me?

“…Soumya… listen to me please…” Anand pleaded. “…Please talk to Raj… mend up your relationship with him… I will talk to him…”

“…Stop it already Anand… I don’t want to fall from the frying pan into the fire… and there was nothing between Raj and I… I don’t have any feelings for him…”

“…Soumya… don’t do that…don’t ruin your life…” Anand spoke softly, an earnest look passing his features.

“…Why Anand…? Just tell me the truth…”

“…What do you want to know Soumya…?”

“…Why…? Why do you want me to be with Raj…?”

“…because he is a wonderful guy…In fact if you don’t like him then I shall find you another one… someone who can take good care of you…”

“…WHY Anand…?” didn’t the idiot understand my question at all?

Anand gave me a puzzled look and stood up. I followed him and from my higher step I could look into his eyes. “…GIVE ME THE FUCKING ANSWER… WHY…?” I clenched my jaw as I spoke.

“…What is it you want to know, Soumya…?”

“…Why do you want to find… a man… for me…?” I was losing steam now.

“…Because, I want to see you settle with someone… who deserves you…”

“…Why Anand…” I held the lapels of his jacket this time letting my tears flow unhindered.

“…Soumya… please… listen to me…” He rubbed his face. He looked so distraught my heart went out to him despite everything that had transpired.

I shook his jacket. “… why… why… why… fucking…why…?”

“…BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, damn it…” he held my hands and tightened the grip and released it with lightning speed, as we stared at each other panting away to glory. My heart surged with happiness… finally he told me exactly what I had wanted to hear from him…for ages.

“…Oh goodness… Anand… was it so difficult to tell me… I have feelings for you as well…But you already know it, don’t you…?”

“…Stop it Soumya… you shouldn’t like me… at all…” He rubbed his face yet again making me wonder if he wanted to erase his facial features. He started to get down the stairs… what the hell…

“…Anand wait…” I rushed down to him and held his hand even as he tried to pull away. “…will you explain…? Please…?”

“…there is nothing to talk about Soumya… WE…” he indicated waving his hand between us. “…can never happen…?”

“…I need an explanation Anand… I have been in love with you… for a long time now… don’t I get to know the reason…of being rejected…?” My heart was shattering into pieces, my euphoric bubble long gone kaput.

“…Soumya… don’t make things further difficult for me…I will be visiting Thirukoshtiyur as well and don’t worry…I will help you escape again…or whatever you decide…”

“…Anand, I don’t want anything else… I don’t know what future holds for me… but the very fact that I ever met you and fell in love with you… here… this is the ultimate truth… so even if you are not interested in… taking this further… that’s fine… I … I can handle that as well… but don’t you dare… try setting me up with someone else…I can fight the world… but I can’t fight you…”

“…Soumya…don’t…”

I held up my hand to stop him before I broke down totally. “…Anand…just answer me one last time…do you… really love me…?”

Anand rolled his eyes and looked away. He stood with his hands on his hips and staring at the ground. He sighed and looked up into my eyes and I saw a sheen of moisture shining in those beautiful orbs. “…Soumya… I fell in love with you the very first time I saw you in that gown on your freshers party day… and that unruly messed up curls flying all over the place…” I couldn’t believe my ears as he continued. “…it’s been sheer torture for me… to stay as friends…but also the best time I ever had…and… I kept away after I finished graduation but… it was futile… I couldn’t stay away from you…” He ran a trembling hand through his hair… that was something I had always wanted to do. “…It’s all mess Soumya… I tried everything under the sky to keep away…”

“…Why Anand…” I spoke softly on the verge of giving up but this was my last chance

“…You don’t deserve someone like me…Soumya…” His voice cracked and I saw his throat bobbing up and down as if he were struggling to contain his emotions.

I held his hand but he jerked it away. “…No Soumya… no… lets end this here… I promise I will never see you again…”

“…Don’t decide for me Anand…I have enough people to do that…Just tell me why not…?

“…Forget it Soumya… go to the hostel… its late…”

“…You are right for once Anand… it is late… very late… but at least I know about your feelings now… just tell me the reason you don’t want to be with me… I promise never to trouble you ever again…”

“…Soumya… please go…”

“…is it my family background…? Are you ashamed of them…?”

“…No…Soumya…”

I was clinging to every thread I could find. “…Is it my plain looks…? Am I not…I mean… am I not even an average looker…?”

“…God no… Soumya…” he held me by my shoulders. “…The problem is me… the fault is me… I am flawed Soumya… you can’t… be with me…”

I held his elbows locking the position. “…Please Anand… this is killing me… tell me the fucking… reason…” I was losing my sanity

He let his hands fall and sat back on the stairs holding his head in his hands. I touched his shoulder and sat besides him. He turned towards me still avoiding eye contact. “…Sou…Soumya… when I was 12 years old… I got diagnosed with Testicular cancer… stage II … I got operated to save my life… but it left permanent damage…” He then looked up at me as tears started to flow down his cheeks and he wiped them away. Was it what I thought it was…? My heart was running a marathon. He must have judged by my looks and continued.

“…You are right Soumya… its exactly what you think… I had to undergo orchiectomy (removal of one or both testes) … and barely a part of one of them remains… so…” he stood and looked down at the ground yet again and spoke as his voice cracked. “…I cannot have children ever… and even the possibility of… physically satisfying a woman is… rare… so I am what we medically refer to… a Eunuch…”

 He swiftly walked away from there into the darkness, leaving me behind, a mortified mess as I ran to my hostel room and crumbled into a heap of tears.

© All rights reserved with the Author and no part of this can be copied or published anywhere without the author’s consent

(Medical Definition of eunuch: a man or boy deprived of the testes or external genitals.)

Chapter 4

The bubble actually burst… Anand didn’t return… at least for the next six months or so, there was no news from his end. No calls, no texts… nada. I was used to get incoming text alerts and without even looking at the phone I would know it was him, for all the years that he was here. There were usually jokes and memes and some were so silly they would just make me laugh because I could visualize him narrating it in his way. I missed my friend terribly… especially whenever I was all alone. Most of the time I was swamped with work and buried in piles of notes and textbooks. I had reading glasses at an early age much to thatha’s dismay and I wondered if my glass’s prescription number had skyrocketed given the amount of reading, I was doing, all that when I was not staring into my phone waiting for a text or email. What on earth was preventing him from keeping in touch was something I couldn’t fathom. To my utmost dismay we got information of most of the pass outs as to what they were up to but nothing from Anand. Though students and staff occasionally remembered him for his jesting nature, they barely spoke about him anymore as if out of sight was out of mind… but the main reason was no one knew anything about him at a personal level. I didn’t know what held him from contacting me… I thought I was his close friend if not the best. I had no one to talk to except the beautiful goddess Meenakshi and even there it was difficult to visit with my work schedule. We had to think about our post graduate areas to take up and prepare for the entrance exams too which would commence after internship. I didn’t know what lay in store for me but I had the confidence that Lord Vishnu had something in His mind for sure. Off late I was finding myself greatly inclined towards Endocrinology… and the urge only grew when I visited the Sundareshwar temple across the courtyard during my visit to the Meenakshi temple. Watching the Shiva Linga… and reading about it aroused a lot of my interest in the mythical stories surrounding the same. I wasn’t exposed to this in my home town because we were supposed to be staunch Vishnu followers and the Shiva followers were always touted to be our opponents. But here, I was free of those bondages and could let my thoughts and imagination take flight.

Finally, the day of my birthday arrived and I found myself visiting the Goddess… I saw her wedding depiction in the pillars and that’s when I remembered my visit last year. It was one of those times when Anand had accompanied me and had treated me to my favorite goti soda. I loved the pop sound whenever the bottle was opened and Anand had actually teased me for days, imitating my expressions. Today as I stared at the beautiful portrait of the Shiva-Parvati union…I missed Anand all the more and couldn’t control myself. I never cried over something like this except once when I had spoken about my family to Anand. The months of pent-up emotions gave way to tears breaking the shackles of my lids and the hot lava had just flown…

“…So Soumzie… Goti soda…?” Anand walked with a different bounce in his steps and though I was annoyed at his nerve I nodded a yes. Once again, he chuckled and held up his hand against his mouth as if he was trying to control his laughter and then when I finished the soda, he showed me a pic of mine with a funny expression as I had watched the vendor remove the seal of the bottle. I tried to snatch the mobile from him and he made me run behind, as I panted and wheezed off my exercise deprived body after him. He was tall and with long strides he reached the end of the road in a jiffy. I had already given up and I made my way to him huffing and stood before him with my hands on my hips. My face must have accused him, for he held up his hands in mock surrender.

“…What the hell Anand…? Not a single call or a text…? Do you know how worried I was…?”

“…Whoa…whoa… chill Soumzie…I was busy… and to my defense my lips were sealed for the world…” he gestured the action of his pincer grip across his kips.

I shook my head and started to walk as annoyance took over the thrill of seeing him again after months. He followed me and held my arm turning me around. I stared at him and it was then I realized the guy had lost weight… was he sick…? My heart fell at the thought… He had dark circles beneath his eyes now that he had wiped off the ridiculous water paint he had applied across his face. “…Are… are you alright Anand…?”

He held up his hands and turned around. “…As always I am flawless…” I rolled my eyes. He was just the same. But I was glad he was back.

“…How long are you back for now…?” I asked knowing very well he wouldn’t tell me anything about why he wasn’t here, even if I pestered him.

“…surprise… surprise… I will be working in the hospital now… for the next year…See…? I am all yours now…” He chuckled and made a little dance and I shook my head.

We walked to the campus in total silence and I knew he was far from alright. He only remained silent when he was extremely disturbed. How I wished he could unload some of that burden…

The next few months passed in a jiffy and now that my best friend had arrived not a day was dull. I met him every day during my hospital posting irrespective of my department. I didn’t care if tongues wagged about the two of us. Anand guided me a lot about the functioning of the hospital and even though he was an RMO, he knew all the ground realities and the doctors only too well. That helped me in my interactions with the doctors and the patients too. Annie was pissed off with me and openly voiced her displeasure about meeting the unreliable guy. “…You are going to hurt yourself Sou… big time… take it in writing if you want to… Rishabh told me how that jester had messed up with the lives of countless young unsuspecting gals and treated them like doormat… and given your background shouldn’t you be suspicious…? Do you know anything at all about him…?” Though I was angry I couldn’t help but wonder about the partial truth in her statement… I knew nothing about his personal life. I decided to follow my heart and let the matter slide under the carpet.

Soon, our final exams got over with and we were to start our internship. My first placement was in Thanjavur which was quite a distance from Madurai and my heart fell only because I wouldn’t get to see Anand. Of course, I couldn’t tell him that… but on the day before I left for Thanjavur, he told me to focus on the best surgical unit the facility had. Apparently, the best in the state. As usual after that I never heard from him for the next three months till I returned to campus. I had the next six months panned out for me in two other cities and the story repeated itself… I couldn’t even return after the first three months given the distance and the tight schedule and Anand didn’t bother about returning my calls or texts. I wondered if this was what Annie had spoken about. Fortunately, Annie and I didn’t share any placements so I was good… at least she didn’t get a chance to say, ‘I told you so…’

My last posting of three months was in our hospital itself and I knew I would meet him daily. It was the last time I wanted to check out if he felt even remotely for me like I did him. Even if he didn’t like me in that regard, I didn’t want to lose a friend and wanted to convey that to him. I was okay to have him as a friend for life… and I also knew it was wishful thinking. I had to return home after three months and I didn’t know what awaited me there. My mom’s phone call frequencies had increased and she dropped hints about the guy they had selected for me… apparently some IAS officer’s son who wanted a doctor bride. Something about the horoscopes being perfectly matched…. Her tirade would go on every single time. I promised to look into it once I returned. I knew I had to try getting a job in any hospital or medical facility here before I could talk to my parents about studying further.

Even after two weeks of my placement in the hospital, Anand was nowhere to be seen… I causally took up the topic with my colleagues but no one seemed to know anything about him. The guy knew how to zone out everyone. He didn’t have a social media account at all… who on earth these days didn’t have it and someone as well informed as him didn’t… that was surprising. I had spoken with my mother that morning and was feeling terribly low. I wished he was here so I could vent out and then focus on my work. Anand wasn’t there but, in his place, there was a new RMO, Dr Raj Mahadevan. He was a new kid on the block to be precise but was definitely a looker. And he tried his best to have a conversation with me. I didn’t know if I had to pride on the fact but then… I saw how so many young doctors and students of the fairer sex thronged for his attention but he chose to speak with me. I didn’t have an iota of attraction for the guy but then he had to sign my reports and I felt there was no harm in having a chat with a good-looking guy. He was the quintessential sight for the sore eyes.

My placement at the hospital went off smoothly… at least better than expected and though I occasionally saw Anand… he was in the night shift throughout… can you beat my luck…? He only waved to me or gave me a two-finger salute as he rushed towards God knew where, whenever we crossed paths. Meanwhile I went out on a couple of dates with Dr. Raj and he seemed like a thorough gentleman in every sense of the word. But I landed up discussing Anand with the guy, since he knew Anand and I didn’t know if he was upset… he didn’t show. If I wasn’t attracted to him, I couldn’t help it, could I…?

 In the final month of our internship, Annie dropped a bomb…well …not a bomb exactly but a good piece of news. She was marrying Rishabh and they were to both try for admissions to medical colleges in the US for their post graduate studies. Rishabh father was pretty influential where documents were concerned and fortunately the couple had the blessings of their parents. I was very happy for Annie, my first friend in the campus. The engagement was a week after our internships got done with, since our batchmates from other cities had to get back and I got an excuse to extend my stay. My mom was obviously upset but she knew Annie and agreed to let me especially since I told her I was going to wear the only traditional outfit I had with me. She even had the nerve to tell me it would be a trial run for my supposedly upcoming engagement.

Dr. Raj asked me if I would become his date for the engagement party as Annie and Rishabh had asked everyone to come with a plus one. There was cocktail and dance scheduled post the ring exchange. I knew Anand wouldn’t be invited, besides the fact that he was on duty, Annie and he didn’t see eye to eye, especially after the gift fiasco. It was to get late tonight returning to campus so I agreed. Later that evening dressed up in my pavadai daavani (half saree) a compulsory gift from my mom during my last visit home and accessorized it with an imitation jewelry set which again was insisted upon by amma. Obviously, her daughter couldn’t get robbed, could she? I had even gotten my unruly hair blow dried at Annie’s insistence and adorned the traditional mogra malais…in my hair… though I wished Anand could see me at least once… would he like it…? I shook my heard driving away my vain thoughts.

The dress choice was a bit odd given the events coming up later but I was not to stay longer and Dr. Raj too had agreed to leave the venue early. To give him the credit he looked awesome in his grey bandhgala and his beard made him far more endearing than he actually was. We entered the venue and I looked around wide eyed at the preparations done… it was elegance personified as the couple took center stage engulfed by their folks. The ring ceremony took place to a grand applause as the couple exchanged the diamonds and the floral garlands. Soon it was time for cocktails and the DJ played the latest remixes as everyone gyrated to the blaring out of sync tunes. Now this wasn’t what I liked and so I nudged Dr. Raj to leave the auditorium. It was a four-star hotel quite away from the campus and the hostel and it was already dark outside. Personally, I wasn’t comfortable being out with him or any other guy that late. However, he wasn’t paying any heed and even proceeded to shake a leg with our colleagues and other doctor professors who were invited. I was getting irritated and just as I was wondering what I had to do Dr. Raj walked up to me and holding my unsuspecting hand pulled and dragged me to the dance floor. I hated to dance but tried to keep up. Right then as everyone crowded to gyrate to the beats, I felt a hand at my hip touching my exposed flesh making me cringe. I knew it was my date for the evening and tried to shake him off. But he got closer and before I knew what I was doing I pushed him off causing him to lose his balance as he fell.

Everyone around us stopped dancing and some helped him up and to my utmost chagrin I ran out of the auditorium. I stood in the hotel lobby and within a couple of minutes a fuming Dr. Raj arrived. Before I could explain he began. “…How dare you… Ms. Sreedharan… how dare you…?” His voice rose in intensity inviting attention from the passing hotel crew and guests. I looked at him sheepishly as he continued. “…why on earth did you do that…? It was just a dance…”

“…Look…Dr. Raj… I am sorry but I… I wasn’t comfortable…”

“…Fuck… comfortable…who do you think you are…? Some princess who has descended from the skies…? Have you even given yourself a second look…? Why did you agree on this date with me…? Three meetings and you never let me touch… or even hold your hands…” I stared at him as tears gathered and threatened to flow, wondering what had I done so wrong. “…Do you know how frustrating it was…Ms Sreedharan? I have fended off attention from pretty young gals just to stay loyal to you… goddamn… you are such a dimwitt…”

“…That’s enough Dr. Raj…If I were so bad… why did you pursue me…?”

“…oh, cut the crap Soumya…” I could see he was really angry now as he spewed venom. “…I wouldn’t have given you a second glance if not for that jester… my childhood buddy Anand… he pestered me…and then… I liked you… your richly religious Iyengar background…just like mine… your innocence…” He kept talking but I had zoned out already.

What the hell…? Anand…? I sat on the couch in the lobby staring at the floor even as my date walked away leaving me all alone. I had become a spectacle and at that moment I wanted nothing more than the blurring floor to crack open as I sunk into its depths.

I didn’t know how long I sat there stilled by the shock of what I had heard. Why Anand…why? What did I do to deserve this…? After a while I felt a warm palm on my hand accompanied by my favorite citrus scent. I didn’t say a word as he helped me up and supported me as I stumbled. We walked out of the hotel lobby into the waiting cab….

I was distraught but at the same time as I watched the passing cars from the passenger seat window, I had to hold it together. It was time we had that long-awaited talk…

© All rights reserved with the Author and no part of this can be copied or published anywhere without the author’s consent

Chapter 2

I remember the day I had stepped into the campus of Madurai Medical college. I was on cloud nine for two major reasons. One for escaping the patriarchal clutches albeit for a few years and two, following my career dream. As expected, I was all alone. I had arrived the earlier day to settle my guarded self into the girl’s hostel which was very close to the campus. We were barely few meters away from the government hospital which was attached to the medical college. I looked forward to my clinical placement and ward rounds and with starts in my eyes I had walked into the campus. My roommate was yet to arrive and I hadn’t made any friends as of now. Now…that was a problem with me always wanting to play it safe. I rarely made friends. I couldn’t get myself to trust anyone. Thatha had always ingrained into us that we were the superior clan of blue blooded Iyengar and while we could respect and be courteous to the other lesser mortals, we were no way allowed to fraternize with the lot. What the patriarch didn’t know was the times had changed and caste discrimination often ticked off people especially those who were at the receiving end. How could I just ask anyone what caste they belonged to?

So here I was clutching the Lakshmi pendant as if it would help me sail through the life’s grind and cautiously looking around the huge campus. I was berating myself over and over again that I was away from home and I could be friends with whoever I chose to. Just then a group of guys walked over. It was a Monday morning and the campus was bustling with activity with students and staff running around to be on time and some in white coats rushing towards the hospital for their placement duties. I must have looked mortified to see the group, given the intimidation on their faces increasing as they neared. They were five of them and definitely seniors. I have always been awkward around boys… we had the unwritten rule at home which forbade us from even looking at them. Though I attended a co-education school, guys and many girls as well kept their distance. No one wanted to get embroiled in any unwanted controversy with Vishnu Narayan Iyengar’s granddaughter. My entire schooling till the 12^th grade made me long for friendship and also made me hate the set of commandments back home. I was the eternal loner…

The boys came closer now and stood forming an arc around me cutting off the visuals to the campus. I was a plain jane as far as looks were concerned and the literal black sheep in the family where I was slightly tanned compared to everyone else at home. I had an unruly curly mane which refused to abide by the boundaries set by my poor hair clip and escaped its confines. Thatha hated it at home especially on the days I had washed my long tresses and my mom had to struggle to keep me away from his line of vision. It was a sin to cut the hair short but I did it just before I left home.

But it appeared my dare devil stunt at the salon was of no use as my mop refused to adhere to my commands. Even now as the boys chuckled my untamed locks flew all over. I knew I was going to get ragged. The guys began to ask me funny questions, all about why I wanted to be a doctor and why I had come to Madurai in spite of securing admission in the local college closer home and then why was I early to college and finally why was my hair so curly…? I mean… really…? One even pointed to my death grip around my locket, and asked if I was about to strangle myself. Anyone else with an ounce of normalcy would have probably had appropriate answers to their plethora of interrogations, but I couldn’t utter a word. I was severely pragmatically challenged at that moment. I didn’t know what got over me, I just turned around and took flight. I heard the sneering and laughter behind me which soon faded and I ran till I reached the hostel and locked myself in. Fortunately, our classes didn’t actually commence till a couple of days later and I was safe… for now.

Later that afternoon my roommate arrived. Ananya ‘Annie’ Ravindran was my boisterously flamboyant oxymoron. Oh man… she was a looker with a dazzling smile that could brighten up the entire room. I could actually see the cobalt aura radiating from her exuberance as she waltzed in and out of the room getting her stuff which filled her storage area and spilled over to mine. But that wasn’t a problem since I had miniscule luggage in comparison. She was from Chennai and I thought she would be a snob but by the end of the day she turned out to be an awesome girl. I smiled for the first time in days!

The next morning Annie and I got back to the campus and though the morning was uneventful as we explored, in the afternoon we were caught by a group of seniors. But this time Annie handled them like a pro and I couldn’t help but smile as my anxiety levels finally plummeted. By the end of the day Annie and I had become close friends. I rarely spoke about my home but that night as we lay in our room watching the creaky ceiling fan cast dancing shadows around it, I told Annie about my childhood and growing up years. She told me about her’s as well. Her father was originally from Madurai and was currently working in a Multi-National organization in Chennai. She didn’t have a mother and was brought up by a nanny who had stayed with them ever since her mom had passed at childbirth. An only daughter she was the apple of her father’s eye and he had only agreed to her studying away from home was because this was Madurai.

Our classes commenced and soon in the upcoming month I got engrossed in college studies and ward rounds as observers and all remaining time was spent in either the library or with my classmates. I was a part of a little gang of girls and Annie was our leader and the official BBC as we called her. She knew everything around the campus. I loved it here and felt like a free bird. The only drawback was Annie began to drift away after a couple of weeks… no, don’t get me wrong. She was still my close friend but she now had a boyfriend, Rishabh. He was a senior and she spent a lot more time with him…

It was time for the fresher’s party and I was apprehensive once again. It was with great difficulty that I had broken out of my shell and now Annie insisted I wear her gown. I could only visualize my thatha getting a heart attack followed by my appa (father) and chittapas (uncles). But then they weren’t here, were they? So, I strutted to the party in Annie’s gown which was way too long in spite of me wearing her heels. She had gone ahead with her guy and the rest of our gang stayed in a different wing and so they had gone ahead and as always, I was alone. Was it my ceaseless fate…I didn’t know…

As I reached the Vishveshwariya hall in the campus where the party was being held, I almost got a panic attack at the prospect of running into seniors without Annie or the gang by my side. I turned around to run away and just then my clumsy self, tripped and I found myself falling. But right then a pair of strong hands held me and I was horrified. I would have preferred to fall… but this was way too embarrassing. My eyelids were tightly sealed…I was the proverbial cat who thought no one watched her as she drank milk shutting her eyes.

The hands steadied me. “…Hey… pretty girl… you can open those lids…” A deep baritone full of humor spoke softly.

I don’t know how or why but something stirred within me and I slowly opened my apprehensive eyes to look into the face of the most handsome guy I had ever laid my eyes on. Before I could get my bearings together, he grinned and widened his eyes, raising his eyebrows. What the…? He had attached something on his perfect teeth and my mortified self soon broke into a laugh. My anxiety was all gone as he straightened to his six feet stature as against my 5’3” and held up his hand. I only stared at his handsome poise and placed mine in his steadying myself …as we walked towards the auditorium. I actually felt I was participating in a Halloween party and was the proverbial witch…

As we walked, he asked me. “…What’s your name pretty girl…?”

I had plain looks and I was always sans make-up… one could mistake me for the village ghost too given my loose clothes and reckless hair. I had been christened umpteen times back in the village given my looks but no one had ever called me pretty before. I didn’t know what were those bubbles of excitement suddenly simmering in my naïve heart. “…hi… I am…Sou…Sou…Soumya…” I stuttered turning beet red.

He stopped and pretended to think, tapping a slender index finger on his cheek his dimple further getting enhanced as he smiled. “…Sou -Sou-Soumya is a bit too taxing… so now on its Soumzie…” I looked on as he chuckled. “…And here is ‘happiness’ at your service…” He said wiggling his eyebrows. I couldn’t help and burst out laughing and looked at him with a questioning expression. He shook his head and said, “…Its Anand…” He held my hand again and I enjoyed his warmth as we walked towards the auditorium. I said a silent prayer to lord Vishnu… “Shantakaram Bhujagashayanam….. ,,……. Sarva lokaika natham…” I prayed to get rid of my fear.

Something told me this guy was to play a significant role in my life here in the upcoming years… I was brimming with anticipation of this new feeling within me but at the same time I was scared… thatha’s annoyed face all draped up in his traditional attire, flashed before my eyes. Would he approve of my friendship with this enigma here? …No… definitely not… the old me wouldn’t either.  

Nonetheless I was away from home and these four years were mine… just mine…

© All rights reserved with the Author and no part of this can be copied or published anywhere without the author’s consent